Sunday, February 19, 2006

13 week and 5 days. Dragging along.

I wish I could say this pregnancy is going quickly, but it isn't. I had expected to be able to post the results of my CVS by now, but the procedure had to be halted because my cervix and uterus are, for lack of a better descriptive, deflicted. I have a short (or was it long?) and crooked cervix, a tipped uterus, and a cervical polyp. I feel so special. Not. Actually, I was so traumatized by the procedure that it has taken me three weeks to write about it.

I bled. I passed clots. I was told the bleeding, clotting and subsequent spotting were due to the polyp and an "irritated" cervix. I'll have to say that my cervix was not irritated, it was pissed. Really, really pissed. And your cervix would be likewise unhappy if someone attached the clamp below (a tenaculum) to it and then tried to snake a catheter up it. A bit of advice: If you ever see one of these puppies coming at your cervix, run away. Fast. Don't say I didn't warn you. Honestly, this was probably the most uncomfortable procedure I have ever had.

This leaves me in a funk. I had hoped by now to have questions of genetic abnormalities answered and any tough decisions behind me. We've rescheduled an amnio for March 1, but we won't have the results until I am 17 weeks. At age 37 there is a 1.5% chance of chromosomal abnormalities. I realize this leaves us with a 98.5% chance of the baby being fine. But still. It would have been nice to know sooner.

Questions about baby's health are just part of my pregnancy funk. Anxiety about miscarrying has also contributed to my blues. I've had cramping on and off since I tested BFP. I haven't had any more bleeding, but the cramping can be intense at times. Rationally, I realize that it is probably just due to the stretching and growing going on down there, but it is worrisome. I think it was gone by this point when I was pregnant with E. Maybe not, but if I did, I am now blocking it out.

Finally, I have so much fear. This is probably compounded by good old fashioned Catholic guilt. I have the gnawing sense that I got here by cheating. My dear cyber friend, Chris, is being put through hell by her REs, others are dealing with too many losses, and here I am on a natural cycle of all things. I feel like the other shoe may drop at any moment.

On the bright side, I have seen the baby at each visit. I've seen the baby at 7 weeks, at 9 weeks, at 10 weeks, at 11 weeks and at 13 weeks. And the little bean is beautiful. Just like its big sister.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

For J, who really deserves higher than a C-

I know you read this. Happy Anniversary and Happy Valentine's Day. I love you because:

  • You always love me back.
  • You are a better father than I could have hoped for.
  • You always know how to make me laugh.
  • You are excited about another baby.
  • You aren't afraid of a pile of laundry.
  • You aren't afraid of Palmetto bugs.
  • You are afraid of miscarriage and something happening to the baby.
  • You share my political views.
  • You tolerate my parents.
  • You are a good uncle.
  • You are my comfort.

Does it seem like 13 years? Already? I hope we have 50 more.