My mother has been diagnosed with cancer and is about to have surgery and I am feeling. . .
[Drumroll]
Resentment. When I reach deep and try to identify the dominant emotion that is gripping me these days, it isn’t fear or sadness or anxiety that rises to the top of the stew. No, it is resentment. My hospital-phobic brother called me this afternoon to complain about my mother's complaining and stream of orders. It seems that he is feeling resentful too.
Nearly a week after her diagnosis, my fears have come true. My mother is in full-blown crisis mode. She is panicked, mournful, bossy, controlling, and eager for attention. Her energy to complain and whine and complain some more seems limitless. She is a force of nature.
So far she has:
- called everyone she can think of to share her “very sad news.” I guess she doesn’t trust her social network to get the word out. I asked if I could tell a mutual acquaintance here (we live in a city a few hours from her). She informed that she had already called and had a "very nice chat" with the acquaintance.
- asked a church acquaintance who is battling Stage 4 colon cancer to accompany her to her appointments. As if she needs to spend what's left of her time in more hospitals and doctors' offices. The woman had the good sense to demur.
- asked a friend to spend the night in the hospital with her despite my brother and my offers of hiring a night nurse.
- called to tell me that the CT technician hurt her hand with the IV used in her scan. So she cried (literally) and demanded a supervisor take over.
- arranged for her prayer group to be at the hospital during her surgery.
- demanded that my brothers and I are at the hospital during her procedure. I was planning to do this, but my especially hospital-phobic brother is none-too-pleased.
- told me she expects me to hold hands and sing Kumbaya or whatever with her preacher and prayer group. She knows I am an avowed agnostic and perhaps an atheist, but she doesn’t care. When I told her that I would be respectful of the group, but would not be holding hands and praying aloud, she started crying. Oh yeah. Maybe guilt will help me find God.
- demanded that I bring the children and stay with her when she is released from the hospital. I'm not doing this for reasons I'll have to write about later.
- told me over and over that she is feeling sorry for herself, but that it is natural to feel sorry for herself because this is just so tragic.
As you are reading this, perhaps you are thinking that we are jerks. Ungrateful children. Selfish. And maybe we are.
However, our response to our mother’s emotional outbursts, machinations, and directives is conditioned upon a lifetime of trying to manage her emotional outbursts, machinations, and directives. I guess a cancer diagnosis isn’t enough to overcome this.
8 comments:
Oh Em~
I am so sorry this is going on. I am sorry your mom is sick, and that she is acting the way she is. My mother, who sounds very similar, by the way minus the prayer group (she was NOT at all religious), was diagnosed with and later died from cancer. Dealing with her illness with a young infant was hard enough, but she almost (it seemed to me)tried (and succeeded) to make things even harder by the things she said and did. I know everyone has a different situation, but I can sure relate to you about all of this. Feel free to vent away~ I truly feel your pain.
I hope your mom gets better, and that things get easier.
Monnie
*Big re-assuring hug*
ps. started blogging again :)
Oh boy.
Vodka?
I got nothin'.
I'm sory you're having to go through this. It's always hard to have a parent who is ill, and when that parent is difficult and infuriating and dramatic, it makes things worse.
I'd be interested to get your take on raising daughters when you are the daughter of a difficult mother. You know, with all the spare time you're apparently about to have :-). It's soemthing I think about a lot.
Honestly, reading this, I don't think any negative thoughts about you or your brother at all. I think your reactions are pretty understandable given the circumstances. I hope that your mom gets the comfort she needs during this time, without it being too hard on you.
As I read your posts about your mother, something resonated as my mom has some of the same traits. She doesn't have the prayer group, but the way she over-dramatizes everything drives me nuts. You quotations about "this very sad news" sounded exactly like something my mother would say.
She was diagnosed with stomach cancer five years ago and we all went to Sloan Kettering for her operation. It was hard. And sad. And frustrating, but mostly hard and sad. I'll be thinking of you as you all go through this.
yikes em...it reminds me a bit of a friend of mine whose dad has just died. Dad was just hidious, as long as I have known him (highschool)he has been a bully and a tyrant to his wife and kids almost to the very end. Then, in the final days of his life he was obviously terrified of dying and then berated his kids (wife died a few years back) and harrassed them to take him home from palliative care and look after him - the same kids and grandkids he used to shout at and tell them if they thought his house was too dirty they could f... off. My friend is traumatised and guilty about not mourning his father more, and at the same time he actually IS mourning the father he wishes he could have been.
it's a hard one em, I hope you and your brother are good supprt for each other.
She sounds like a real character with the prayer group and all that drama! I'm sorry Em. Sounds like she knows how to take full advantage of a difficult situation.
Post a Comment