Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Worry and Guilt

I grew up Catholic and was thus well acquainted with worry and guilt before I became a mother. Still, nothing prepared me for this.

At 12.5 months, M still isn't talking.

No "Mama" no "DaDa. " No signs, except to wave bye-bye. No pointing. At times, I'm not even convinced she recognizes her name. Each day that passes and that she doesn't talk, the knot in my stomach twists tighter. I've been scouring the Internet and I'm not at all pleased by what I'm finding. While a few sites say that some babies don't say their first words until a little later, it is pretty clear that she has missed a milestone.

On the bright side, she is extremely affectionate and gregarious. She laughs at funny sounds and interacts well with her family. She knows how to turn the TV and air purifier on and off and she can work the remote control. She walks around with the Leapfrog Farm Magnet farmhouse like it is a baby boom box. She babbles constantly. She lights up when she hears the start of the Signing Time video, and she dances to its songs.

But no words and no signs.

I know you aren't supposed to compare children, but how can I not compare her to her big sister, who WAS saying Mama, Dada and duck by now and who WAS signing some basic words by now? How can I not compare her to other children at her daycare or the children of friends or my neighbor's grandson, or my niece and nephew, or the children of other bloggers? How?

So why the guilt? At some level, I am convinced that it is my fault that she is behind. Maybe it is because I had to put her in daycare at such a tender age. Maybe it is because she doesn't get as much one-on-one time as her sister did as an only child staying home with me or a nanny. Maybe I ate something I shouldn't have while pregnant. Whatever. All. My. Fault.

I did speak to her pediatrician on Friday. The doctor seemed somewhat concerned but thought that we should give M a few more months before a formal assessment. At the time, I agreed that we should just wait a little longer, but now the second-guess chorus is singing and I'm no longer sure that waiting is a good idea.

I've decided that I need to clear one day a week to stay home with her and to work with her one on one. I don't have a clear Tuesday or Thursday for two weeks, but I'll try to get at least a half day this week and next. I'm not sure exactly what we'll be able to accomplish, but I'll feel better knowing that she is getting my undivided attention for a little while.

5 comments:

Suz said...

We just got the boys scheduled for a speak assessment because they only have about 7 words at 18 months. The doctor wasn't worried about it; however, his theory is that it's worth worrying about if I'm worried about it. If it would make you feel better, and it sounds like it would, I would call your pediatrician, say that you're worried, and ask for a referral.

Em said...

Thanks, Suz. I will see the ped again in two weeks for E's checkup. I'll ask for a referral for M then. How long are waits for assessments in your area?

AmyinMotown said...

Maggie was 2 and barely talking (she did sign well, but not a lot of them). We had her scheduled for an assessment and swear to God like two weeks before it was scheduled, she out of nowhere started speaking in age-appropriate sentences. Now I think she's even a little ahead. In other words, not your fault, she's probably fine, but a good idea to get her asessed if you're worrying about it. I wonder if the milestones need to be adjusted for some reason? I know so many parents who have worried over this and their kids were fine.

Nico said...

I do hope it's nothing, and that M will start talking away in the very near future. FWIW, I really don't think it's your 'fault' at all. Although I'm sure she'll appreciate your extra time together!

christine said...

It's really hard to leave comments because our internet is in and out and I keep losing them. I hope it works this time because it's v. frustrating aghhhhhhh

I think it's early to worry too much but I know from experience how worrisome it can be from about 18 months on. We've been dealing with this for a while. For the record my doctor said that we shouldn't get really worried until age three. More kids than you can imagine don't speak very much before age three--shocking I know. It's the chatterbox kids that make us believe this is the norm! S has two little cousins like his and comparing the kids in the same room was frightening to me because they were so verbal, but they weren't necessarily the norm. So many people have shared stories with me about their kids not speaking until age three and then just speaking complete sentences that it really eased my mind. I wouldn't worry. Believe it or not it will come.

Little S didn't say anything until age two and then he had about two or three fuzzy, badly pronounced words. Then at two and a half he had a few more. Now he's almost three and speaking very well even if it is in broken sentences (the problem with late speakers is that they take a while to catch up). I'll admit he's definitely behind other kids his age but I'm sure he'll catch up once he's in school.

Other than a hearing check I don't think you should worry. I blame Little S's slow speech on us not being together enough as a family and discussing. He didn't hear enough conversations. He just heard me talking to him one on one. There was no exchage to serve as a model. Going to daycare two days a week really helped. He heard lots of conversation give and take and he could repeat it. Kids his age were talking and he saw how it "worked' That's when I saw the biggest change