Tomorrow, September 13 would have been the due date for the pregnancy I lost last winter. I didn't think it would bother me, but the lingering sadness that I have experienced over the last few months seems a little sharper today and my mind keeps wandering to what might have been. What would the baby look like? How would the baby feel like in my arms? Would E and M be happy to have another baby in the house?
I have the sense that our days of trying to conceive are extremely limited. We can't try this month because I need an MRI next week to help diagnose some upper right quadrant pain I have been experiencing since my more recent miscarriage* Because of childcare and work issues,** the timing would have to be quick, probably by my birthday in December. Then, there is the issue of that birthday. 40. I know it is just a number, but it is still a milestone. And,oh, did I mention my sucky eggs?
*Ultrasound suggests a stone in the bile duct.
**Our department chair is going to step down next year and colleagues are lobbying me hard to at least consider being the next chair. I'm not wild about it, but I'm obviously not rejecting the idea outright either.
Up up and away
11 years ago
4 comments:
I've been thinking about you recently, knowing that you would have been due around now. I so wish that were different.
I hope that the pains get taken care of soon. And that you do get your miracle, despite your sucky eggs.
Em I hope you are feeling somewhat better despite the sadness of the date. Having passed the 40 hump I can say not it is not so bad but I totally understand the reassessing and pondering that does go on. But the other thing is that I think is essential is somesort of milestone event because 40 is a frigging big deal mentally and physically. Yes, party.But special. With cocktails and dressing up. Even just a really posh dinner for two is a good celebration, although in my opinion posh dinner for you AND your friends (and cocktails and dressing up)is the go.
Em I am late here in responding but I wanted to say I was thinking about you. It must have been very hard to get through that day.
About the over 40 thing (ahem...) you gave me lots of hope when you said in a recent post that it was just a matter of catching a good egg! I think you're right. Don't let the over forty thing get stuck in your head. Keep trying and stop calling your eggs sucky!! You have lovely eggs ;)
I'm sorry.
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