Haven't cried in two days; must be getting a handle on things. That or clomid side effects are wearing off. For the record, it is cruel business to tell someone in the grips of Clomid that she has failed the clomid challenge test and therefore has less a chance of becoming pregnant than Terri Schiavo had of running a marathon. Making her wait three weeks for a follow-up is plain wrong.

Fortunately:

• My women friends are wonderful. This is particularly true of the women I met while ttc and while pregnant with Baby E.
• I've corresponded with three REs who were not put off by my day 10 FSH (freaking stupid hormone) levels. I may need to travel great distance at great expense, but they will accept me for IVF.
• I am going to hire a nanny tomorrow. Actually, I'll hire two who alternate so they don't get Baby E burnout. It is expensive, but necessary, as current arrangement is not working.
• Colds don't last forever. Right? Baby E caught one, has passed it to me, and now her father may be the first man to die of the common cold.
• All this stress is leading to loss of appetite and weight loss. I'll be back to my trim summer weight in no time. How I have put on four pounds since August, I have no idea.

Have decided that therapy and pills are worth a go and intend to contact someone soon. How does one go about this anyway? Have also decided to "take my fertility into own hands" which sounds very feminist and affirmative.

Things I am thinking about now:

• Can I love a donor egg baby the way I love my daughter?
• Is acupuncture just a bunch of hooey? Worth a try for fertility?
• Can I ditch my book contract without incurring legal wrath and financial pain inflicted by publisher?
• What can be done with a Ph.D. in a social science that doesn't involve teaching?
• When did I start to hate teaching? Or maybe it is just the publish or perish I hate. Yes, that may be it.
• Why can't I sleep?
• What jackpot did I win to have cancer, spinal surgery and chronic pain, and infertility all in my 30s? Do bad things happen to good people, or am I a bad person?

Welcome to my little corner of cyberdom. The worst day ever seems like a good day to start a blog. It also seems like a good day to start therapy or pills, but this is cheaper.

My day:

1) Did not win Powerball. This, despite loyal weekly contribution to state’s Education Lottery (which is practically like paying self since I am an educator-woo hoo).
2) Was intimidated by my publisher who reminded me my text was due a year ago. No longer want to write text, talk about text, think about text. Must turn in eight chapters in four months. Or else.
3) Childcare for E not working out. Looking for nanny who approaches Mary Poppins in experience and demeanor but who will work for less that $10 an hour. Still praying for non-scary (e.g. Krista's Krazy Kid Kare) daycare opening.
4) Found out it is highly likely that E will be an only child. Was ready to start trying for baby two, but failed Clomid Challenge. Badly. For those of you who stumble across this and are unfamiliar with the gritty reality of infertility, failing Clomid Challenge is akin to failing one’s boards.
5) Canceled class because it is pretty uncool to teach while crying over bad FSH (magic fertility) levels.
6) Realized I hate my job as college professor. Students are needy and sniveling grademongers. I already have a baby, thank you.

7) Have not talked to husband for more than a few minutes since Sunday because publisher (AKA: The Enforcer) was in town to break my legs. Time to tell him bad baby news.