It doesn't seem right to complain about your marriage the same week a friend has lost her husband. It feels a little like when I complained about pregnancy after experiencing infertility--shouldn't I just be grateful already?
J and I have been together 17 years this summer, and we celebrated our 14th anniversary in February (by celebrate, I mean that we traded greeting cards). We've had rough patches here and there and there have been times that I've wanted to run away, but things have always gotten better. Things aren't bad now. They just aren't great.
So what's wrong?
When we were first together, we had to be in physical contact with one another. Sitting next to one another. Holding hands. Touching in some way. It was probably sickening. Last summer I bought a king size bed so there would be less physical contact. It isn't as if I expect to sustain the passion that we had earlier in our relationship, but I'm not sure the embers are even warm anymore.
Speaking of which. What about sex? What about that? We had a decent, if predictable, sex life right up until we were in the midst of trying to conceive. That pretty much killed it. Now, two children later, I am actually annoyed when J tries to start things. Once I saw a show on the animal channel in which the female large ferocious mammal almost took off the head of the male large ferocious mammal when he attempted to mount her. She looked pissed and annoyed. Like me! He looked bewildered. Like J. I cackled in delight. Take that, Mr. Horny! I totally get that the whole lack of sex thing is all my fault (though I do think that breastfeeding and being dog tired contribute to my decided lack of enthusiasm), but I don't care enough to do something about it. How sad is that?
Then there is the communication. Or lack thereof. We don't talk anymore. At least we don't talk to each other. We tend to talk at each other and then get pissed when we are ignored. For instance, J asked last night if a friend of mine is pregnant. Weeks ago, I had gone into great detail about how she was pregnant. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was giving me the "great, honey" treatment:
Me: Friend A is pregnant! I was right! I suspected this for at least a month. Isn't it great. Our kids will be close enough in age to play.
J: That's great, honey. [while watching The Simpsons]
I'm sure I give him the "great, honey" treatment, too.
J: Wow. The Braves, blah, blah, blah. Home run. Blah, blah. Pitchers. Blah, blah. Yankees. Blah.
Me: That's great, honey. [while reading blogs]
There is more. Bad attitudes. Annoying habits. Some disagreements over the best way to discipline a certain headstrong two-year-old. But nothing is toxic about our marriage.
I'm at a loss as to where to start to make things better. I think it would help to have a date night once in a while, but that is very expensive and we are already spending what we earn plus some. I think that as the children get older and less demanding that we may have more time and energy, too. In the meantime, maybe it is time to start a conversation about this. I love J too much to let things stay like this.
Up up and away
11 years ago
3 comments:
I feel you--things aren't bad between my husband and I, just kind of stagnant and unsatisfying sometimes. Here's what helps--date nights, appreciation, sex, and getting out with friends on my own. As far as the cost of the date night idea--assuming the girls are sleeping through the night and going to bed at a reasonable hour, maybe do an at-home date night? Get a bottle of wine and some snacks and sit outside on your porch or patio or wherever, and just talk about non-kid topics. Now that the weather's nice here we do this reasonably often and it's really nice, feels like a little vacation.
You've got my support! I think having small kids is one of the toughest times on a marriage and one of the times where you can very subtly go completely off the rails. I think you can get things back on track!
An at-home date night is a great idea. I think we'll have to try that next weekend. Thanks, Amy!
I should not even be commenting here because I'm taking very little of my own advice lately but here's my take on things...
Touching is very important. Start doing massage on each other in front of the tv at night. Rub each other's feet with lotion! Nothing sexual just learning to touch...
I think you definitely have to go out on dates two times a month,-- get a babysitter, go somewhere fun and for god's sake change it all the time to keep it from getting dull. Amy's weekly date inside the home sounds good too for communicating. At least you can talk. I definitely plan on doing this when we move...
I think wearing sexy underwear is a huge priority. Even if it isn't for him because there's nothing that will make you feel sexier and good about yourself than expensive lace ...wear it EVERY DAY
Get your hair done/cut/styled twice a month because it does what the sexy underwear thing does for you...
Start exploring your fantasies to charge up your sex life...books, movies, your video camera, devices (a-hem). These things can even be for you not him. This is the only way to keep sex interesting after a few years of marriage and two kids. ..
p.s. Em read this again after you stop breastfeeding because I have never felt more sexless in my life than when I was bf! I think you're just in a relationship void during that time & it's very hard to focus on your husband. Nature designed it that way!
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