Well that blows. It really was like a date: I was stood up.

There was a SNAFU and Dr. F. did not know he was supposed to call me. I sat by the phone for 83 minutes and finally called the patient coordinator. She was very nice and apologetic. My name was on the master schedule and my chart was ready. Somehow that information just didn't make it down the hall. Unfortunately Dr. F is going on vacation and can't talk with me until December 2. Two weeks. Two long weeks.

That would be bad enough, but today was my annual exam. My goal was to be an OB patient by the time we needed to check my cervix and tits. But no, I was just a regular old gyn patient. The heartbeat doppler sat lonely on the counter of the exam room reminding me of what might have been.

My OB/GYN asked about the fertility front and when I filled her in she said, "but you have a beautiful little girl," as if that should be enough to make everything better. When I told her that Dr. Negative instructed me not to bother with IVF or to "chase" other doctors, I expected a little grrrl empathy ("don't listen to that-you know what is right for you"). Instead, she told me that, "he's an excellent doctor and acting in your best interest." That's what I needed: more medical paternalism.

I am unbelievably sad right now. Inappropriately sad, I think. I feel like hope keeps slipping away.