Proof

Since I last posted, I have taken an additional 5 tests (at least!) to be sure. And I am happy to report that I am really pregnant and that I am still pregnant. Nurse Joy's warnings have haunted me and sent me running to the bathroom every five minutes to check for blood. (The sensation of Prometrium suppositories oozing and the start of AF are more similar than dissimilar. Very unfortunate, IMHO). Every cramp, every twinge makes me wonder if this is it.

I emailed Dr. F at SIRM. He was quite kind to email back on a Saturday (do you think Dr. Negative would do that?). Dr. F puts the odds of losing this pregnancy "for someone with your medical history" at 30-40%. He reminded me that this leaves a 60-70% chance of a successful pregnancy. Please, when I am freaking, remind me that this is so much better than a less than 1 % chance.

The plan right now is a beta on Monday followed by a second beta 48 hours later. I don't know how long this will last--another day? another 8 months?--but I reserve the right to obsess and worry. On a mothers' board I frequent, there has been a rash of miscarriages lately and these weigh heavily on my mind.

If the betas go well, there will be more tests and more worry. To be honest, I never quit worrying while pregnant with E. Just when I thought I had made it through all the potential hazards--betas, ultrasound, amnio, level two ultrasound--I would hear another horror story which would jolt me out of my comfortable place. Even now, as she sleeps safely in her crib, I worry over her.

So, I will wait. I will worry. I will vent (I have to interact with Nurse Joy on Monday, after all). And I will keep Dr. F on speed dial. Just in case.