Ultrasound is tomorrow morning

Nerves. I have a case of them and it isn't pretty. I frequent several boards and have been witness to a rash of recent miscarriages. The saddest of these boards is the high FSH pregnancy board. The women who make it that far have overcome great odds and for a pregnancy to fail just seems colossally unfair. So I wonder where this pregnancy is going. The internal debate goes something like this:

My morning sickness is getting worse.
But the Mayo Clinic web site said it was possible to have rising hCGs and a blighted ovum.

My boobs hurt.
But I'm taking progesterone.

But I'm taking it up my you-know-what and that isn't supposed to raise serum progesterone levels by much.
But I'm still supplementing.

Dr. F. at SIRM said a 30-40 percent chance of miscarriage.
Yes, but Dr. Negative said less than 1% chance of pregnancy and here I am.

The doubling time for my betas slowed way down.
Yes, but they slowed down nearly that much with Baby E.

Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.


To up the intensity and angst, J's parents just called and announced they are coming here tomorrow. Hellooooo. Tomorrow's a big day. Plus the baby is sick. and running a fever of 102 F. Do we really want my in-laws here if we get bad news? They have no idea that we are expecting.

J said I am being a bitch because I am telegraphing that I don't want them to come tomorrow. Telegraphing? I TOLD them that Saturday would be better because we tomorrow have appointments and a sick child. Besides, J's mom flatly rejected the Saturday offer for a full day and said they will "just stay a little while." So J and I are totally pissed at each other. He is mad that I don't care for his parents and I am mad that he won't say no to them.

He is right about one thing: I can't say that I have ever loved them (but I think the same can be said of Js feelings toward my family), but I respect them and try to get along. Now they are here every other weekend and it drives me crazy. Plus, they are very indecisive which leads to unpredictable behavior like arriving on adult children's doorsteps with less than 24 hour notice. J said he never objects to my parents' visits which is mostly true, except that they have only been here once in the last five months. I guarantee that if my mom were to start coming every other weekend, he would object. I know I would.

For my part, it makes me crazy how hard J tries to please his parents. Still. And I hate to say it, but I think he is looking for a form of approval that has never been there. Especially from his mom.* I think she approves, but I just don't know that he feels it. There is an odd dynamic at work in his family. They are extremely cerebral, but things never feel warm much less hot (I can't imagine voices ever being raised in that home). They don't speak of emotions, but they debate for hours on end at the dinner table -- competitive dining-- but never with pounding of fists or voices cracking in anguish.**

So that is where I am tonight. And I'm tired (a good sign, right?). And cranky (another good sign?). Think I'll head to bed and try to think happy thoughts.

*A retired child psychologist whose parenting style was self-described as "benign neglect."
**My family, on the other hand, is anti-intellectual and extremely emotional. NOT the best combination, I shall admit.