Baby Lust

A good friend had a baby girl today, almost four weeks ahead of schedule. Mom and baby are doing well and I am thrilled for them. I was, in fact, almost tearful when I learned K had gone into labor because I knew this would be the most important and wondrous day of her life. We talked for a while tonight and she gave me a funny blow-by-blow recap of the unexpected arrival. When K told her husband that her water had broken, he kept asking "What does this mean? What does this mean?" I guess at 5 a.m. impending fatherhood takes a while to compute. By 12:30 p.m. they were parents. What does this mean?

I remember the wonder and joy of Baby E's birth, of sobbing and telling her, "I have waited so long for you, my beautiful girl ." My world was forever changed; and for the better. While trying to conceive Baby E, I was propelled by a vague notion that having a baby would be meaningful and good. But I had no idea. And I want to do it again.

Tomorrow morning, I will visit K and baby in the hospital while my husband gives a crash course in car seat installation. Thursday, I will deliver a Thanksgiving meal. I will hold little Katherine, I will breathe her sweet baby smell, and I will hear her newborn sighs and moans. I know that seeing the baby, holding the baby, and smelling the baby will add fuel to my already burning baby lust. I'm very happy that Chris C. wrote today of the nostalgia and envy that accompany a visit to a newborn because I would feel ugly for expressing this craving and jealousy. Thank you Chris, for helping me realize I am not alone in my feelings.

I suppose that in the end, this baby lust is what will propel me. It will sustain me through the hormonal assault of fertility treatment, see me through each procedure, and give me strength when the odds seem low.