A (not so) Welcome Distraction from Fertility Obsessing: Paging Jerry Springer

It would be nice to win tonight's Powerball drawing. Oh, I know, there are tons of people far more needy and deserving than me, but winning would still be swell. It would mean that I wouldn't have to choose between IVF and sending E to a decent school. It would mean that I could get off this publish or perish treadmill.* It would mean that the news that Nanny S spent last night in a jail cell seem less consequential. Heck, it might even seem funny.

That is right. Nanny S spent last night in jail. It wasn't for DUI, it wasn't for possession, it wasn't for failure to pay insurance. These things I might have handled more easily. It was for --deep breath now--assault.

But wait, there's more! This was not only assault, but it was the assault of Nanny M. That is right, cyberfriends. My nannies have been feuding, and last night the shit hit the fan and Nanny S beat the crap out of Nanny M.

A little background is in order, I suppose. I met Nanny M first. She models part-time and is away from here odd weeks. She doesn't make so much money from modeling that she can afford not to work so she thought a part-time nanny spot would be good. She had two friends, Nanny S and Nanny J who would split the position. Thus far, Nanny J has really been the backup if Nanny S and Nanny M are both busy. Everyone's references checked out, so I decided to go for it. Having more than one nanny seemed like a good idea at the time. If one was sick, another could fill in. If one's fiance got transferred or called up (they are pro athletes in the minor leagues), two more would be available. They were only looking to work through May when the season ends which is when my semester ends. It may sound kooky now, but it sounded like a great idea at the time.

Trouble started brewing a few weeks ago when I received a rather distraught email from Nanny S saying that she and Nanny J had learned some things about Nanny M. Nanny S said she didn't think Nanny M was a "good" person and was scared that Nanny M would try to cut her out of the childcare arrangement. She said that Nanny M had severed ties with Nanny S and Nanny J and she was worried that Nanny M might do something bad like lie about her. I assumed this was just girl trash going on and told Nanny S that her position was safe. I assured her that Nanny M had not said a word, and that unless this was something that would affect E's care that I would prefer to remain Switzerland and not get involved. "Well-handled!" I told myself.

I heard no more until this morning when Nanny M called and asked to come over to talk. I knew it couldn't be good, but I did not expect her bombshell news. Nanny M was visibly upset and covered in scratches and bruises. Her left ear was crusty with blood. I didn't notice, but she said that patches of hair had been pulled out. Her story: she and her fiance had gone to the apartment of Nanny S to ask the fiance of Nanny S to ask Nanny S to tone things down and stop putting things on the internet about Nanny M's sexual practices and modeling history. While they were talking, Nanny S came out and a heated argument ensued. Curses were shouted. Names were called. At some point, Nanny S attacked Nanny M. The police were called. Nanny S was led away in handcuffs. Her court date is Tuesday.

J and I sat through this news exchanging nervous glances. Nanny M said that she can't continue working for us if Nanny S does. Well, I haven't heard from Nanny S yet, but assault is a big deal. Impulse control you know? Pretty necessary around toddlers, right? So I doubt her working for us is going to be an issue. We told Nanny M that needed to talk and that we would get back to her soon. I have left messages with Nanny J who may be trying to play Switzerland, too.

J, who has more managerial experience than me and who has the word "administrator" in his degree, made many good points/ observations once Nanny M left. First, there is a chance that the problem will resolve itself because Nanny S is here on a visitor's visa and may get deported. Second, the franchise may decide to trade her fiance because this can't be good for team unity. Third, if Nanny S doesn't leave, we may have to fire all the nannies because what happens if they bring their feud over here? Even if we fire Nanny S, what is to stop her from coming here while Nanny M is on duty? I mean it sounds like this may be a bit of an obsession. I'm thinking Glenn Close minus Michael Douglass** but with the rabbit.

Obviously, we have a mess on our hands and the timing stinks. I will keep trying to call Nanny J to get her take on it. I will also put an ad for a nanny on Craig's List just in case. What I would do for a spot in a good child development center. A winning Powerball ticket would also do.

On the bright side, I have not obsessed about fertility nearly as much today. On the not so bright side, I think Baby E is going to undergo yet another transition. This simply isn't fair to her. I feel so much guilt. Mother's guilt.


*Tooting my own horn here. Had a paper accepted at a very good journal this week. Yahoo!
**What does Katherine Zeta-Jones see in him, anyway? I have never gotten him. It made the fatal attraction ring a bit untrue to me.