I Miss Her Already

I worried through my entire pregnancy that I wouldn't love this baby as much as I loved my first. That intensity, that awe, that feeling of wonder, of connectedness, the purity of mother love--how could there be more of it? My heart had so expanded with the birth of E that I couldn't quite believe there was room for it to happen again.

Of course, I was wrong.

Even as I labored, it nagged at me. Then, as I entered transition, that pure mother love hit me again like a tsunami. And I went where it carried me. I laughed with pure joy and expectation. My child was almost here! I pushed, watched her emerge, and then held her to me. I didn't want to let go even long enough for them to weigh her.

And in the four months since, I have loved M as intensely, as purely, as completely as I have loved E. There are differences to be sure. My attention is divided between my girls, but that diminishes nothing. If anything, my love has been magnified*. And I still don't want to let go.

Yet, I must.

M starts daycare. Tomorrow.

For four months, I've had her to myself.** I know this baby better than anyone. I know her cries; I know her smiles; I know the secret of her laugh; I know her heft; I know the feel of her on my breast. I've only left her twice--once for business and once for pleasure-- and I've never missed more than one feeding.

And yet, starting tomorrow, I am handing her over. The time has come for me to return to work and finish the text. Or else.

I wish, oh how I wish, that I were one of those women who could multitask her way through life. I would be dressed nicely everyday, have dinner planned ahead of time and be training for a triathlon, all while working from home with two little ones running underfoot.

But I am not that woman. I'm a terrible multitasker. I wish I could focus while caring for M, but I can't and I know it. When she is near she sucks me in with her smiles, laughs, coos, and cries and I just can't think about social theory and constructs.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I hope it is more traumatic for me than for M who I miss already.

*I used to think women who said they were in love with their babies were horrible saps. I suppose I still do, but I have joined their ranks.
**I did have a sitter in two to three afternoons a week for six weeks, but I was upstairs writing (or not) and would come downstairs to nurse or just to get my baby fix.